A New Journey

I named this blog after one of my favorite qoutes from the Bible


Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.


And as I wrote it I foolishly thought that my house was built on rock, we have education, marriage, faith and common-sense. That illusion of strong foundations has recently been shaken and I feel so foolish to have been blind to it for so long.


I always knew that D sweated from the face when he was a little flustered or nervous and that it bothered him but I never knew how much untill this week when he confided in me that he wanted to go to the doctors and wanted me to go with him. He has a condition called Hyperhidrosis which means extreme sweating caused by social anxiety and an extreme fear of embarrassing or humiliating oneself in public. 


It was only once I started to help him write a diary of how much he had been effected that day that I realized that his whole life is controlled by it, his entire day is devoted to avoiding and preventing it, he loses huge chucks of time to it and avoids things he wants to do for fear of it causing sweating. He said he doesn't know how he can gain full time employment once he grduates next summer and has been trying to think of jobs that won't require social interaction and that he is so worried about it that hes even thought of suicide as a solution to his 'problem'.


I feel so guilty that in six years he caused me problems of depression just by loving me and yet I have failed to even see the scale of his and that in some ways I have made the burden of his worry's worse by pressuring him to become a provider. He is the thing in this world that I care about most, more then my family, more then me, more then being provided for or being able to have children, of all these things the one thing I fear losing most is him.


My journey with God is noway complete, I have still yet to find a church and a home for my faith, but I do now have and feel strong in it. But now that blog is about a new journey the one which D and I have begun to take which is the curing of this thing that blights him.